Hi.
I just wanted to take a second and let you know that I'm bringing back my positivity monthly blog posts and I'm really excited about it.
I decided to update my whole blog and make it exciting for me to come back to working on. Not that talking about how much of a grumpy goose I've been isn't exciting and all but... ;)
With that being said, I do need to be honest with everyone that is reading this. I really struggle with being positive. It got to the point where it was so bad that I couldn't even think of one thing I could be proud to talk about why I enjoyed 2015. I could sit here and list you a million reasons why I have the right to be a downer all the time but that would only continue to give life to the negative fire that should be burned out.
But let me get vulnerable with you for a moment. I graduated college and felt like a loser. Yup that's right.. a LOSER. How could someone who just completed a huge milestone in their life feel like a loser for such a wonderful accomplishment? And that's where the negative thoughts come in. Me telling myself I'm not good enough and that I graduated with a useless degree and that's why I couldn't find a job, how I didn't get married in college when about 80% of the people I knew did, me actually disliking people who I didn't even know for their success and happiness when I for some reason was not finding it... but you want to know the crazy part that's so similar in all these scenarios?
They were all just THOUGHTS.
Gross thoughts that were eating me up from the inside out. How did I get to this point? Because these thoughts are not my reality. I'm not a loser and I don't have a useless degree, it's ok that I didn't find me a man in college and haven't gotten married yet, and it's ok that that other people are finding success!
IT'S OK. Stop beating yourself up. JUST STOP.
Here's what's interesting... I believe that even if I don't believe all those phrases right this second, me just saying them/writing them down is already a step in a more positive direction.
Write down your thoughts and replace the negative with the good. I feel like it lifts a gross feeling off of ya, which I'm all for! I'm hopeful that these blog posts will help me take steps in the right direction that can help me live a fuller life. I'm also hopeful that if anything, maybe it'll help someone else who struggles with negativity in their own mind as well.
So here we go... 2016! Let's do this.
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Friday, August 14, 2015
August Positivity Blog: The Realities of Life
Hello, hello!
Why in the world did I stop doing these blog posts?!
I seriously used to love doing the positivity blog and I know there were people that read it that liked me doing them too. So, it's about time I started thing little thang up again!
For starters, my life has been anything other than positive vibes (my own fault of course).
It's just really funny how you can have this vision of what your life is supposed to be like. You can have a plan lined up and ready to go like "OH! I'm going to go to college and figure out exactly what I want to be and where I want to go".. but in all reality that's NOT how life plays out for everyone.
What I keep reminding myself when it comes to life is that there is no set formula that works for everyone. There just isn't. As individuals we are all SO different. Something that works for your sister's best friend or maybe even your sister OR YOU may not work the same for me. So for me, it gets frustrating when people tell their unique story and believe its the formula that can help bring you happiness.
Nah.. you have to find happiness in yourself first and on your own. That's what I've been taking the free time to do since I've graduated. I'm trying to not let the rules of society dictate my happiness. I feel like I've been living a life where I never really got to know myself on a deeper level. Do I really love what I graduated in? Is there something else that could make me happier? Are there things I want to experience that I couldn't before but can now? These sort of questions are something you can just answer on a timed test... they are things that take time to develop and understand.
See, my problem is I have an issue with settling. I hate watching others do it and I make it a priority that I won't. Here's a story...
In my Photography II class in college, we had to pick a subject that we were going to have to take pictures of the ENTIRE semester. No changes. That seems like an easy task but it had to be an inanimate object that there are a lot of that you can't move or change (it's complicated I know, but an example of that would be a bench or a soda machine or maybe even doors). The pressure of having to choose something for the whole semester by the next two classes made me make a choice that, if I had thought it over longer, wouldn't have been something I'd do. I picked churches. Seems easy enough, going around to churches and taking photos of them. Here's the problem: You had to take pictures of churches the same exact way EVERY TIME. Not only that, we were working with 4x5 camera's so there wasn't much wiggle room for mistakes. Do you now how HARD it is to find a church in Logan, Utah that isn't Mormon? I'll answer that for ya.. it's hard. If it's not a church looking building it's just a regular house. Long story short, I hated the semester, I had never felt more stressed and I had wished I could have just picked something that I had more of an interest in taking photos of (like doors or something.. I really like cool doors thanks to mama Moulton). Not only that, near the end of the semester, I didn't really care anymore. I ended up getting torn apart at my final critique which left me walking out saying I would never take a photo of a church again.
Now that story was more of a rant that anything.. but I truly feel if I wasn't pressured so quickly to make the choice I did, I wouldn't have been so miserable that semester. That's a small comparison to life.. but I believe these are the days of opportunity to truly figure out what I want out of life. DON'T SETTLE for something that will just get you by. In one of my guilty pleasure shows I watch there's a line that says "...But the right kind of pressure can make you into a diamond" "Yes, and the wrong kind of pressure can turn you into dust". Don't be dust. It'll be worth it.
Stay positive, you'll figure it out and it will be beautiful!
Until the next post :)
Why in the world did I stop doing these blog posts?!
I seriously used to love doing the positivity blog and I know there were people that read it that liked me doing them too. So, it's about time I started thing little thang up again!
For starters, my life has been anything other than positive vibes (my own fault of course).
It's just really funny how you can have this vision of what your life is supposed to be like. You can have a plan lined up and ready to go like "OH! I'm going to go to college and figure out exactly what I want to be and where I want to go".. but in all reality that's NOT how life plays out for everyone.
What I keep reminding myself when it comes to life is that there is no set formula that works for everyone. There just isn't. As individuals we are all SO different. Something that works for your sister's best friend or maybe even your sister OR YOU may not work the same for me. So for me, it gets frustrating when people tell their unique story and believe its the formula that can help bring you happiness.
Nah.. you have to find happiness in yourself first and on your own. That's what I've been taking the free time to do since I've graduated. I'm trying to not let the rules of society dictate my happiness. I feel like I've been living a life where I never really got to know myself on a deeper level. Do I really love what I graduated in? Is there something else that could make me happier? Are there things I want to experience that I couldn't before but can now? These sort of questions are something you can just answer on a timed test... they are things that take time to develop and understand.
See, my problem is I have an issue with settling. I hate watching others do it and I make it a priority that I won't. Here's a story...
In my Photography II class in college, we had to pick a subject that we were going to have to take pictures of the ENTIRE semester. No changes. That seems like an easy task but it had to be an inanimate object that there are a lot of that you can't move or change (it's complicated I know, but an example of that would be a bench or a soda machine or maybe even doors). The pressure of having to choose something for the whole semester by the next two classes made me make a choice that, if I had thought it over longer, wouldn't have been something I'd do. I picked churches. Seems easy enough, going around to churches and taking photos of them. Here's the problem: You had to take pictures of churches the same exact way EVERY TIME. Not only that, we were working with 4x5 camera's so there wasn't much wiggle room for mistakes. Do you now how HARD it is to find a church in Logan, Utah that isn't Mormon? I'll answer that for ya.. it's hard. If it's not a church looking building it's just a regular house. Long story short, I hated the semester, I had never felt more stressed and I had wished I could have just picked something that I had more of an interest in taking photos of (like doors or something.. I really like cool doors thanks to mama Moulton). Not only that, near the end of the semester, I didn't really care anymore. I ended up getting torn apart at my final critique which left me walking out saying I would never take a photo of a church again.
Now that story was more of a rant that anything.. but I truly feel if I wasn't pressured so quickly to make the choice I did, I wouldn't have been so miserable that semester. That's a small comparison to life.. but I believe these are the days of opportunity to truly figure out what I want out of life. DON'T SETTLE for something that will just get you by. In one of my guilty pleasure shows I watch there's a line that says "...But the right kind of pressure can make you into a diamond" "Yes, and the wrong kind of pressure can turn you into dust". Don't be dust. It'll be worth it.
Stay positive, you'll figure it out and it will be beautiful!
Until the next post :)
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Nostalgia Wednesday
I haven't posted a blog in FOREVER.
It's about time I did..
but this time I decided to VLOG.
It's easier for me to tell stories when I can verbally do it than typing it all up.
Here's to my new web series (maybe.. I dunno) NOSTALGIA WEDNESDAY
It's about time I did..
but this time I decided to VLOG.
It's easier for me to tell stories when I can verbally do it than typing it all up.
Here's to my new web series (maybe.. I dunno) NOSTALGIA WEDNESDAY
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Yes, I took offense.. and that's okay
So.. a little more serious topic.. meh sorry.
Have you ever felt like you were confident enough to do something or say something because a friend told you it didn't bother them, or that it was alright. Or a friend of a friend does it so you justify you acting or saying certain things?
I know I have.
One example of this is when a person says a racial slur. (For the purpose of this post I'm not going to post a particular one.. but if you know of one that has a deep root of being offensive, use that as your example).
I personally do not say words that are like that. I don't refer to my friends in that way, and that's that. But that's JUST me.
Here's where the issue comes to play.
When a person DOES say words that could be offensive to another.. I really don't care UNLESS, you say it to me/at me when you YOU know that word could be used in a completely opposite context.
The underlying problem that I cannot stand is when a person some how JUSTIFIES saying a word to someone who does not like it because they know a friend or a friend of a friend who once gave them permission or that particular person did not care whether or not that term was used.
That being said, when did your friend or celebrity or whoever it was become the spokesperson for that group of people? Just because a friend or an athlete or a singer says certain terms, it does NOT justify it being okay.
If you and those people want to say terms like that WITHIN your own group of friends.. then do just that. I don't care. But when you think you can say a racial slur to me with confidence because you're 'backed up' by your friends, that's where I draw a line. Respect a person enough that if a word, that was ORIGINALLY made to be offensive, offends a person, to not say that word.. and I'm going to just leave it at that.
Sorry. Just a food for thought.
Have you ever felt like you were confident enough to do something or say something because a friend told you it didn't bother them, or that it was alright. Or a friend of a friend does it so you justify you acting or saying certain things?
I know I have.
One example of this is when a person says a racial slur. (For the purpose of this post I'm not going to post a particular one.. but if you know of one that has a deep root of being offensive, use that as your example).
I personally do not say words that are like that. I don't refer to my friends in that way, and that's that. But that's JUST me.
Here's where the issue comes to play.
When a person DOES say words that could be offensive to another.. I really don't care UNLESS, you say it to me/at me when you YOU know that word could be used in a completely opposite context.
The underlying problem that I cannot stand is when a person some how JUSTIFIES saying a word to someone who does not like it because they know a friend or a friend of a friend who once gave them permission or that particular person did not care whether or not that term was used.
That being said, when did your friend or celebrity or whoever it was become the spokesperson for that group of people? Just because a friend or an athlete or a singer says certain terms, it does NOT justify it being okay.
If you and those people want to say terms like that WITHIN your own group of friends.. then do just that. I don't care. But when you think you can say a racial slur to me with confidence because you're 'backed up' by your friends, that's where I draw a line. Respect a person enough that if a word, that was ORIGINALLY made to be offensive, offends a person, to not say that word.. and I'm going to just leave it at that.
Sorry. Just a food for thought.
Friday, September 19, 2014
September's Positivity Blog
As far as my positivity blogs go, I'm so sorry!
I've been told by a few people who I'm only acquaintances with that they read my blog and how I've helped them stay more positive. & let me tell you.. that absolutely makes my day when I hear something like that.
To start off this post, I'd like to say that I'm better at preaching positivity than actually doing it. I can think positive thoughts alright, but as far as never doubting and putting myself down, yeah.. I'm no good at that. As a matter of fact, if something doesn't happen in MY personal time period, I start to doubt like crazy.
It can get FRUSTRATING. To anyone who feels like they've ever been in a stationary state for a long period of time you can empathize with me that it is HARD.
But I want to tell you some things about me that I feel very proud of myself for doing. They aren't out of this world but, I think they are really helping me focus on me.
I go to the gym now. Wait, what? Yes... I know. The apocalypse MUST be soon. I somehow found self motivation to go. I think paying for a gym instead of just doing it here and there for free helps me personally stay self motivated. Because if I don't go, I just wasted money. I really enjoy the gym I go to as well which helps me stay motivated. I've been going for about 6 weeks now, 3 days a week and I'm really starting to see what sort of an impact it's making on me.
Another thing that I'm proud of myself for doing is taking the time to 'smell the roses' if you may. If I have absolutely nothing else to do, I try and do something to sooth one of my 5 senses. One of the things I've been taking the time to do is watch the sunset. I really enjoy the way the light touches the carpet and makes me feel warm and happy. I've always loved sunsets, so doing this is one of my favorites.
I joined the Black Student Union which is a club at USU. I've met some great people and I finally feel like I can relate with people on different levels OTHER than Mormonism for once. I love being able to talk about the weird things people say out here to me because I'm black and the people in this club have been through it too. It's great having those group of friends.
On another note:
I tend to feel alone a lot. Sometimes I do that to myself or people do it unknowingly to me. I don't like feeling left out but I feel that way almost ALL the time when I'm around people. I need to work on being happy even when those moments come and I have to realize that people don't do it on purpose even though it happens.
Last, I need to work on being okay with being alone (dating wise). I sometimes wonder what could possibly be wrong with me and start beating myself up emotionally because of it. But the more I do things on my own, the more content I am with being alone. My friend was telling me to take this time now to work on things for me and enjoy it because once I'm married I'll never really get the chance to think of just me ever again. So for those of you struggling with something along those lines... let's catch a movie together ;)
Anyways, this post was all over the place. I always feel pretty vulnerable posting things like this but I figure if I can help one other person other than me I did an alright job.
Happy Friday :)
Until the next post.
I've been told by a few people who I'm only acquaintances with that they read my blog and how I've helped them stay more positive. & let me tell you.. that absolutely makes my day when I hear something like that.
To start off this post, I'd like to say that I'm better at preaching positivity than actually doing it. I can think positive thoughts alright, but as far as never doubting and putting myself down, yeah.. I'm no good at that. As a matter of fact, if something doesn't happen in MY personal time period, I start to doubt like crazy.
It can get FRUSTRATING. To anyone who feels like they've ever been in a stationary state for a long period of time you can empathize with me that it is HARD.
But I want to tell you some things about me that I feel very proud of myself for doing. They aren't out of this world but, I think they are really helping me focus on me.
I go to the gym now. Wait, what? Yes... I know. The apocalypse MUST be soon. I somehow found self motivation to go. I think paying for a gym instead of just doing it here and there for free helps me personally stay self motivated. Because if I don't go, I just wasted money. I really enjoy the gym I go to as well which helps me stay motivated. I've been going for about 6 weeks now, 3 days a week and I'm really starting to see what sort of an impact it's making on me.
Another thing that I'm proud of myself for doing is taking the time to 'smell the roses' if you may. If I have absolutely nothing else to do, I try and do something to sooth one of my 5 senses. One of the things I've been taking the time to do is watch the sunset. I really enjoy the way the light touches the carpet and makes me feel warm and happy. I've always loved sunsets, so doing this is one of my favorites.
I joined the Black Student Union which is a club at USU. I've met some great people and I finally feel like I can relate with people on different levels OTHER than Mormonism for once. I love being able to talk about the weird things people say out here to me because I'm black and the people in this club have been through it too. It's great having those group of friends.
On another note:
I tend to feel alone a lot. Sometimes I do that to myself or people do it unknowingly to me. I don't like feeling left out but I feel that way almost ALL the time when I'm around people. I need to work on being happy even when those moments come and I have to realize that people don't do it on purpose even though it happens.
Last, I need to work on being okay with being alone (dating wise). I sometimes wonder what could possibly be wrong with me and start beating myself up emotionally because of it. But the more I do things on my own, the more content I am with being alone. My friend was telling me to take this time now to work on things for me and enjoy it because once I'm married I'll never really get the chance to think of just me ever again. So for those of you struggling with something along those lines... let's catch a movie together ;)
Anyways, this post was all over the place. I always feel pretty vulnerable posting things like this but I figure if I can help one other person other than me I did an alright job.
Happy Friday :)
Until the next post.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
a n a l o g y
I went floating yesterday which was one of the funnest things I've done this whole summer.
Today in church a woman gave a talk and was giving an analogy of life. She compared it to floating a river. I had a lot of thoughts floating through my mind when I thought of how floating a river can be compared to our lives.
Now hear me out. It's a pretty interesting thought! (That and I just want to tell you about my river floating experience....sooo..)
When I first got into the river it was calm. I got on my tube easily and just started on my way. Like life there are friends that come and go, that is similar to floating. Some people will make it further ahead of you and that's alright. Some people you may not be able to float the river with the whole way through but at least you got a little time with them before they drifted away. You can compare that to any friend you have ever been close with but is no longer in your life & how it's okay.
Now, there are times on the river where the harsh rapids may knock you off your tube. Maybe not necessarily the rapids.. but the rocks that you have to try and dodge. They may bump you in the BUTT and it's going to HURT and we all have to face them. Yesterday, the first set of rapids I hit knocked me off pretty hard. I like to refer to this as the trials that may come in your life. You really can't avoid having trials... but the question is are you going to be prepared for it? Because for me, I was not prepared for those set of rapids, and it knocked me off my tube.
But, then there were the friends that were floating nearby to help me out and get me back up again. This can be compared to the close people in your life that are always there for you when you fall and go through tough times. There were points on the river where my friend would hold out his paddle (don't ask where he even got that from) and I would try and grab on tight! But sometimes I would slip away, and like in life you may slip away from the friends that are there to support you and get you through the scary rapids of life.
There was a point on the river where there were clear arrows pointing the in the direction we HAD to go. It was under a bridge and you had to steer to the right (ironically enough) to make sure you don't hit a pole that's hard to duck. But my tube was taking me in another direction that basically got out of my control. Right enough, the other direction was not the safe way at all and was very dangerous. I thankfully made it through no problem, but there are times in life where I feel like I do take the wrong road and I know very clearly which road is good for me and which are not.
For the second half of the float.. I stuck with my friends. I held onto there bigger raft and made sure not to let go (for the most part). If I did let go, they would always try and catch me and make sure I was holding on again. During this half the rapids weren't as strong and it was mostly calm. It would be calm for a few minutes and then a quick rapid and then calm again. It's a lot like life. Trials come and go. We know we are going to get them, but we don't necessarily know when. That's why we were always prepared when looking ahead.
Now there were other times where I would get stuck in a part where I literally could not move my tube. It took a lot of strength to get out and eventually I did it. But when I got out, the rest of my group was way ahead of me which left me floating alone. Sometimes in life you may get stuck and there may be no one there to help you but yourself. That was a great time for me to just enjoy my own company and love the journey.
At the end of the river, the group of us all got off. We all got there at different times and were waiting for all of us to get back. Some tubes didn't make it, and the people on those tubes just floated with their lifejackets to the end while some other friends looked like they went through more of a rougher ride. But we all made it back to the shore together at some point.
I believe that's the same with life... eventually we are all going to pass on, but I believe, even though at different times, we are all going to end up on that 'shoreline' together. Excited to see each other with stories to tell of their adventures on their
river of life.
I hope that analogy made as much sense to you here as it did in my head at church today.
If you've never gone floating, I think you should try... with this analogy in your head. It may change the way you look at the simple things in life that can have similar meanings to the greater things.
Today in church a woman gave a talk and was giving an analogy of life. She compared it to floating a river. I had a lot of thoughts floating through my mind when I thought of how floating a river can be compared to our lives.
Now hear me out. It's a pretty interesting thought! (That and I just want to tell you about my river floating experience....sooo..)
When I first got into the river it was calm. I got on my tube easily and just started on my way. Like life there are friends that come and go, that is similar to floating. Some people will make it further ahead of you and that's alright. Some people you may not be able to float the river with the whole way through but at least you got a little time with them before they drifted away. You can compare that to any friend you have ever been close with but is no longer in your life & how it's okay.
Now, there are times on the river where the harsh rapids may knock you off your tube. Maybe not necessarily the rapids.. but the rocks that you have to try and dodge. They may bump you in the BUTT and it's going to HURT and we all have to face them. Yesterday, the first set of rapids I hit knocked me off pretty hard. I like to refer to this as the trials that may come in your life. You really can't avoid having trials... but the question is are you going to be prepared for it? Because for me, I was not prepared for those set of rapids, and it knocked me off my tube.
But, then there were the friends that were floating nearby to help me out and get me back up again. This can be compared to the close people in your life that are always there for you when you fall and go through tough times. There were points on the river where my friend would hold out his paddle (don't ask where he even got that from) and I would try and grab on tight! But sometimes I would slip away, and like in life you may slip away from the friends that are there to support you and get you through the scary rapids of life.
There was a point on the river where there were clear arrows pointing the in the direction we HAD to go. It was under a bridge and you had to steer to the right (ironically enough) to make sure you don't hit a pole that's hard to duck. But my tube was taking me in another direction that basically got out of my control. Right enough, the other direction was not the safe way at all and was very dangerous. I thankfully made it through no problem, but there are times in life where I feel like I do take the wrong road and I know very clearly which road is good for me and which are not.
For the second half of the float.. I stuck with my friends. I held onto there bigger raft and made sure not to let go (for the most part). If I did let go, they would always try and catch me and make sure I was holding on again. During this half the rapids weren't as strong and it was mostly calm. It would be calm for a few minutes and then a quick rapid and then calm again. It's a lot like life. Trials come and go. We know we are going to get them, but we don't necessarily know when. That's why we were always prepared when looking ahead.
Now there were other times where I would get stuck in a part where I literally could not move my tube. It took a lot of strength to get out and eventually I did it. But when I got out, the rest of my group was way ahead of me which left me floating alone. Sometimes in life you may get stuck and there may be no one there to help you but yourself. That was a great time for me to just enjoy my own company and love the journey.
At the end of the river, the group of us all got off. We all got there at different times and were waiting for all of us to get back. Some tubes didn't make it, and the people on those tubes just floated with their lifejackets to the end while some other friends looked like they went through more of a rougher ride. But we all made it back to the shore together at some point.
I believe that's the same with life... eventually we are all going to pass on, but I believe, even though at different times, we are all going to end up on that 'shoreline' together. Excited to see each other with stories to tell of their adventures on their
river of life.
I hope that analogy made as much sense to you here as it did in my head at church today.
If you've never gone floating, I think you should try... with this analogy in your head. It may change the way you look at the simple things in life that can have similar meanings to the greater things.
h a p p y m o m e n t s
I haven't blogged in a while. But, I wanted to make a post and share some of the moments where I felt really happy recently. I know not many people are going to read this, but I'm doing so I don't forget when I'm having a hard day.
The 4th of July weekend. A friend and I were driving home from a full day of activities. I live by the temple and we were driving by this road where you can basically overlook the whole valley. We see fireworks coming from every direction. It was the coolest thing so we pulled over and just watched the valley light up with so many fireworks. In that moment it was so perfect. It was so great to have a friend to sit with and enjoy each other company while seeing, in my opinion, one of Logan's best kept secrets.
[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]
Another moment was just tonight. It was a full day of floating a river with a group of friends that I ALWAYS have so much fun with. They're the type of friends that always invite me to everything and don't stop even when I can't go to some things every once in a while. After feeling left out so much in the past few months it's been nice being able to count on them for a good time. & also feeling like an important friend even though everyone is treated the exact same way.
After we had a great big feast and started driving back to Logan, we started seeing fireworks in the canyon and we all started freaking out! (literally screaming to pull over) We pulled to the little town that has a lake where we could have seen the fireworks reflecting off it. We jumped out of the car and started running down this dark town road that would light up with HUGE and BRIGHT fireworks every few seconds. We ran and ran, and the fireworks were right above us and HUGE. It was the best feeling and SO FUN. We didn't make it to the lake to see the rest of the show, because the finale started not too long after we started running, but it was seriously the best part of this great day.
[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]
I don't want to forget these moments because these are the moments I want to look back to when I remember my first summer in Logan. And I love those moments that are rare but just make you naturally HAPPY. Not a forced sort of happy either... just something so natural where you can look back and think... wow I was truly happy in this moment. Those are the moments I live for.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Phones and People These Days
I'm going to sound like someone who was born before the 'cell phone days' or earlier in this post but...
I seriously HATE how some people are with their cell phones.
Before we start, I want to disclose that I have been some if not all of the people I'm about to rant about, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical, but at least I'm admitting to it now.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when you are with someone you haven't seen in a LONG time and instead of trying to make conversation with them they pull out their phones and start checking Facebook, Insta, Snapchat etc. Oh I'm sorry I'm boring you to tears that you have to check up on Insta every hour on the dot to make sure you didn't miss something!
I'll admit to being this person sometimes. ONLY if the person I'm with has no intention of continuing a conversation with me. Because I can usually find SOMETHING to talk about with someone if I absolutely have to. But I REFUSE to be the only one trying to carry on a conversation. Whether if it's text or in real life. If you're not putting in the effort I sure as heck won't either. Sorry.
I really hate texting too. I'm 100% more happy when a person calls me. I can't get all my thoughts through in a text message that's for sure. That and texting gets frustrating. I feel like whenever I want to hear back from someone asap they take a million hours to respond when what I asked isn't even relevant anymore but when I don't care to talk to a person they are SUPER responsive and those are the days I leave my phone in my room all day and never check it. It's dumb. Just call. Or not... whatever, it's your choice.
If you are on your phone, for no reason, and we're out at a sit down restaurant.. you best believe you've made it to the 'people that bug me' list. I'm fine with a person checking their phone because it's an important call or text or we need to find out what movies are playing or whatever. But I dated a guy once who would check the scores for every sports team, every ten minutes, while we were on a dinner date, that had TVs with sports on, that showed the scores all over the place...... That bugged me so much. I wanted to throw my coke at him.
WE NEED TO GET OFF FACEBOOK, GET OF INSTA, GET OF THAT GAME for FIVE MINUTES! I promise you, the stuff will STILL be there when you are alone.
Dang.
end rant.
I seriously HATE how some people are with their cell phones.
Before we start, I want to disclose that I have been some if not all of the people I'm about to rant about, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical, but at least I'm admitting to it now.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when you are with someone you haven't seen in a LONG time and instead of trying to make conversation with them they pull out their phones and start checking Facebook, Insta, Snapchat etc. Oh I'm sorry I'm boring you to tears that you have to check up on Insta every hour on the dot to make sure you didn't miss something!
I'll admit to being this person sometimes. ONLY if the person I'm with has no intention of continuing a conversation with me. Because I can usually find SOMETHING to talk about with someone if I absolutely have to. But I REFUSE to be the only one trying to carry on a conversation. Whether if it's text or in real life. If you're not putting in the effort I sure as heck won't either. Sorry.
I really hate texting too. I'm 100% more happy when a person calls me. I can't get all my thoughts through in a text message that's for sure. That and texting gets frustrating. I feel like whenever I want to hear back from someone asap they take a million hours to respond when what I asked isn't even relevant anymore but when I don't care to talk to a person they are SUPER responsive and those are the days I leave my phone in my room all day and never check it. It's dumb. Just call. Or not... whatever, it's your choice.
If you are on your phone, for no reason, and we're out at a sit down restaurant.. you best believe you've made it to the 'people that bug me' list. I'm fine with a person checking their phone because it's an important call or text or we need to find out what movies are playing or whatever. But I dated a guy once who would check the scores for every sports team, every ten minutes, while we were on a dinner date, that had TVs with sports on, that showed the scores all over the place...... That bugged me so much. I wanted to throw my coke at him.
WE NEED TO GET OFF FACEBOOK, GET OF INSTA, GET OF THAT GAME for FIVE MINUTES! I promise you, the stuff will STILL be there when you are alone.
Dang.
end rant.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
The Atonement: Through My Eyes
This is a personal post.. but felt like sharing
---------
I've been thinking a lot lately about Christ.
I feel like I can be selfish and ungrateful. I feel like there are times in my life where I feel like I don't need help from my Savior.
I feel emptiness, anger, sadness, heartbreak almost on a weekly basis. Not intensely.. but it happens. I also feel joy, excitement and happiness weekly as well. There is a balance as weeks go on what I am feeling.
I also get frustrated with, not myself, but with God. It comes with my lack of trust in men in general. That probably is the reason for my lack in close friends that are men. Sometimes there are times where I literally feel God's presence... then I feel like he disappears for weeks on end and I don't get anything to the point where I'm crying for attention. I've seen the same trend in earthly men so it makes me generalize in a way that I shouldn't.
There has been one area in my life where the atonement is something I NEED. It is something everyone needs.. but I have been really struggling to use it. Maybe out of fear of disappointment... maybe because of my trust issues.
But today when I was walking with a friend.. and she was venting out all her anger to me.. this is how our conversation went:
Her: "I'm just so angry right now.. Let's go talk about Christ, I love Christ"
Me: "Well you don't have to feel sad or angry... just give all your burdens to Him, that's what he's there for. Just give all those feelings to Him. Let Him take them away. " At least that's what I hear... I haven't actually tried it myself.
I don't know a lot of things I probably should know as a Mormon. I may not understand how the atonement works completely.. but what I do know is that it HEALS. I heard so many testimonies today about it.
I don't have to feel sadness, or emptiness, or anger, or heartbreak. Because I know he's there to take those feelings away.
For once in my life I just need to TRUST. He will fix me. He will HEAL me. He will UNDERSTAND me. I need to fall into his arms and have faith and today is the day I'm going to use the atonement more in my life. Not SAY that I am going to but actually going to.
It's funny.. because as I am writing this.. I feel my chest burning, so I feel His presence right now and I NEVER want to forget that feeling.
Whoever is reading this, do it with me. Use the atonement in your life. Even if you don't fully understand how it works, I'm sure we'll find out together.
Happy Sunday,
Until the next post.
---------
I've been thinking a lot lately about Christ.
I feel like I can be selfish and ungrateful. I feel like there are times in my life where I feel like I don't need help from my Savior.
I feel emptiness, anger, sadness, heartbreak almost on a weekly basis. Not intensely.. but it happens. I also feel joy, excitement and happiness weekly as well. There is a balance as weeks go on what I am feeling.
I also get frustrated with, not myself, but with God. It comes with my lack of trust in men in general. That probably is the reason for my lack in close friends that are men. Sometimes there are times where I literally feel God's presence... then I feel like he disappears for weeks on end and I don't get anything to the point where I'm crying for attention. I've seen the same trend in earthly men so it makes me generalize in a way that I shouldn't.
There has been one area in my life where the atonement is something I NEED. It is something everyone needs.. but I have been really struggling to use it. Maybe out of fear of disappointment... maybe because of my trust issues.
But today when I was walking with a friend.. and she was venting out all her anger to me.. this is how our conversation went:
Her: "I'm just so angry right now.. Let's go talk about Christ, I love Christ"
Me: "Well you don't have to feel sad or angry... just give all your burdens to Him, that's what he's there for. Just give all those feelings to Him. Let Him take them away. " At least that's what I hear... I haven't actually tried it myself.
I don't know a lot of things I probably should know as a Mormon. I may not understand how the atonement works completely.. but what I do know is that it HEALS. I heard so many testimonies today about it.
I don't have to feel sadness, or emptiness, or anger, or heartbreak. Because I know he's there to take those feelings away.
For once in my life I just need to TRUST. He will fix me. He will HEAL me. He will UNDERSTAND me. I need to fall into his arms and have faith and today is the day I'm going to use the atonement more in my life. Not SAY that I am going to but actually going to.
It's funny.. because as I am writing this.. I feel my chest burning, so I feel His presence right now and I NEVER want to forget that feeling.
Whoever is reading this, do it with me. Use the atonement in your life. Even if you don't fully understand how it works, I'm sure we'll find out together.
Happy Sunday,
Until the next post.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Hypocritical Lover
Breakups are HARD
I could just end my blog post like that... BOOM. But no I'm going to keep going.
Personally, I always think of the lyric from the song Feels Good At First by Train that says
"For every heartbreak, there's a sermon to be said and this pastor in my head is preaching to the choir" because there really has to be! There has to be someone there, friends or family, that basically need to preach to you that help you get through it because I know for me I CANNOT do it alone.
With that being said, I feel as though I am such a hypocrite. When a friend goes through a heartbreak I have to sit there and convince them that everything is going to be alright and they'll find someone and this and that. But here's the problem. I have not even convinced myself of that. I have a hard time believing everything will fall into place.
I know how relationships work.. this is not my first rodeo. I can tell when a guy wants to be with me or doesn't. I can tell the exact date I feel the person withdrawal.. and almost every breakup I have been in have been pretty similar, yet different.
What I need help working on is the believing that sometimes it really is not ME. Sometimes things don't work out. & It's not because I was not good enough, its because that person was just not the right match for me. Yes, even though he was nice and yes even though he treated me better than the last one. Because clearly, the fact that someone was a nice person (which is not hard to do...) is not the reason of why it probably didn't work.
The one thing that I can preach though to anyone who has a hard time with heartbreak is that you can really learn to understand yourself so much better through it. You find your likes and dislikes. There are some things that I thought were important in a relationship that really aren't. There are also things about me that I learn to love when I find someone I truly care about.
For example, I noticed that when I'm in a relationship, I love to serve the other person.
No.. not like wait at them hand and foot.. but serve.
I like to do small and big things to them that I hope will make their day.
So to end this on a positive note, that is actually the opposite of hypocritical:
Love yourself enough to know what you're worth and to never settle for anything less.
....Because you're not just looking for a lover.. you're looking for your best friend.
I could just end my blog post like that... BOOM. But no I'm going to keep going.
Personally, I always think of the lyric from the song Feels Good At First by Train that says
"For every heartbreak, there's a sermon to be said and this pastor in my head is preaching to the choir" because there really has to be! There has to be someone there, friends or family, that basically need to preach to you that help you get through it because I know for me I CANNOT do it alone.
With that being said, I feel as though I am such a hypocrite. When a friend goes through a heartbreak I have to sit there and convince them that everything is going to be alright and they'll find someone and this and that. But here's the problem. I have not even convinced myself of that. I have a hard time believing everything will fall into place.
I know how relationships work.. this is not my first rodeo. I can tell when a guy wants to be with me or doesn't. I can tell the exact date I feel the person withdrawal.. and almost every breakup I have been in have been pretty similar, yet different.
What I need help working on is the believing that sometimes it really is not ME. Sometimes things don't work out. & It's not because I was not good enough, its because that person was just not the right match for me. Yes, even though he was nice and yes even though he treated me better than the last one. Because clearly, the fact that someone was a nice person (which is not hard to do...) is not the reason of why it probably didn't work.
The one thing that I can preach though to anyone who has a hard time with heartbreak is that you can really learn to understand yourself so much better through it. You find your likes and dislikes. There are some things that I thought were important in a relationship that really aren't. There are also things about me that I learn to love when I find someone I truly care about.
For example, I noticed that when I'm in a relationship, I love to serve the other person.
No.. not like wait at them hand and foot.. but serve.
I like to do small and big things to them that I hope will make their day.
So to end this on a positive note, that is actually the opposite of hypocritical:
Love yourself enough to know what you're worth and to never settle for anything less.
....Because you're not just looking for a lover.. you're looking for your best friend.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
How I Feel About My Art
I was in a critique a while ago for a project that I didn't really know how to construct. I found it difficult and put a good amount of time into it. It didn't look like professional quality work by any means but it looked the way I wanted it to look and it got my point across. More importantly I really liked my work.
Of course when I step into a room full of people with beautifully constructed work I start to doubt whether mine is good at all. Even when just a few hours earlier I was personally proud of what I did.
The kicker was..after almost every positive critique it was challenged by a not-so-positive critique by the instructor about how it was messy or how it didn't seem like time was put into it.
Well it's a good thing I'm not going into wire construction as a profession because I don't like doing it.
& here's my thought that I got out of it...
I really don't care if someone else doesn't like my artwork.
Of course if I have a client for photography and they expect a certain thing photographed a certain way, then of course I'll do what they ask and care what they think but that's a different senario.
At the end of the day.. I have to love my work. I have to be proud of what I put into it even if other people don't like it.
People go to art shows all the time and wonder why a certain piece is considered art... But in my head I see it as, someone constructed this piece of art and are expressing themselves by how simple or by how messy or whatever it is that makes it art in their eyes. It doesn't matter if I don't think it's art if the artist that made it has a meaning behind it.
Just sayin.
Of course when I step into a room full of people with beautifully constructed work I start to doubt whether mine is good at all. Even when just a few hours earlier I was personally proud of what I did.
The kicker was..after almost every positive critique it was challenged by a not-so-positive critique by the instructor about how it was messy or how it didn't seem like time was put into it.
Well it's a good thing I'm not going into wire construction as a profession because I don't like doing it.
& here's my thought that I got out of it...
I really don't care if someone else doesn't like my artwork.
Of course if I have a client for photography and they expect a certain thing photographed a certain way, then of course I'll do what they ask and care what they think but that's a different senario.
At the end of the day.. I have to love my work. I have to be proud of what I put into it even if other people don't like it.
People go to art shows all the time and wonder why a certain piece is considered art... But in my head I see it as, someone constructed this piece of art and are expressing themselves by how simple or by how messy or whatever it is that makes it art in their eyes. It doesn't matter if I don't think it's art if the artist that made it has a meaning behind it.
Just sayin.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Just Stop & Think Before You Talk.
This is kind of a touchy subject type of post... I wrote this at some point a few months ago but was too scared to post it and just saved it as a draft. But, when I re-read it I decided to share.
This post isn't really something I would normally talk about in anything like a blog, but it's getting to a point where I feel like there are some people that really irritate me and I need to get this off my chest.
I cannot stand it when someone says stupid things like 'you're barely black'.
... Please enlighten me. How am I barely black when my mother is African American...?
Is it because I don't 'talk black'?
Is it because I don't have 'black hair'?
Is it because I'm pretty light skinned for being black?
I'm just really trying to understand your train of thought...because you definitely don't categorize me as a 'white girl'.
Another thing that bothers me SO much is the term 'jungle fever'
I heard it said towards me and a person I was dating, a long while back, a few times. It even brought me to tears once.
I don't find that term funny. Not even a little. As a matter of fact I have never even heard that term until I lived in Utah. Is it some sort of joke to date someone of a different ethnicity? Why is it that when someone finds a guy or a girl that is black attractive they are like 'Oh man... JUNGLE FEVER. Hahaha!" Why? Why though? What's wrong with finding someone of a different ethnicity attractive? I don't see the need to cover it up with a ratchet excuse. You best believe if a person I'm dating ever says that to me while we're dating, I'll be dumping that person within 5 seconds after that comment because I don't need that close mindedness in my life.
You may be reading this thinking like 'come on it's just a joke'. Well I don't hear a term like that when someone likes white guys/girls... or hispanic guys/girls.. etc. I don't know about you... but it kind of hits hard at home to think someone thinks that liking me is just a 'phase' or a 'fever'. I'm mixed. So no matter WHO I date, black, white, latino, asian etc, we're GOING to be a mixed couple. So you might as well shove that term up your.....Anyways.
I can't stand it when the only time someone feels like a story is relevant to me is because there was a black person in it. If you think about starting a story like this: "Oh Caitlin, you'd like this story, he's black" this is you. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing stories. I just don't like it when you're the type of person that doesn't tell me jack unless something funny happened during the day that includes a black person. Cool. I'm glad that's the only time you feel like you can have a conversation with me.
I do admit, when I'm hanging out with the majority of my white friends I do emphasize the fact that I'm black. But, at the same time, when I'm hanging out with my black friends I emphasize the fact that I'm white. So maybe me saying things like 'Oh it's because I'm black so I don't do that' or 'That's my white side kicking in' may give you the confidence the call me out on what you think I am, more than the other. To be honest, the times I emphasize my ethnicity is when there is someone I don't know very well around and they are to scared to ask me what I am. But I'm both. I'm not just the black girl or the white girl. I'm both.
I'm not trying to attack anyone directly... I'm just letting you know what I've noticed in my 21 years of life that I'm not a huge fan of. I guess this really just goes out to random people that don't really know me and think they do once they realize I'm black when they snap their neck and are like 'guuuuuuurrrrrlllll' after I say 'girl'. I'm black AND white. I'm not just barely one and more of the other. I am two different cultures. I'm not going to sit hear a pretend like I'm more of one race than another because that's not true. So stop telling me what you think of me as. Because I am what I am.. I love every part of my diverse self and wouldn't switch it for anything.
This post isn't really something I would normally talk about in anything like a blog, but it's getting to a point where I feel like there are some people that really irritate me and I need to get this off my chest.
I cannot stand it when someone says stupid things like 'you're barely black'.
... Please enlighten me. How am I barely black when my mother is African American...?
Is it because I don't 'talk black'?
Is it because I don't have 'black hair'?
Is it because I'm pretty light skinned for being black?
I'm just really trying to understand your train of thought...because you definitely don't categorize me as a 'white girl'.
Another thing that bothers me SO much is the term 'jungle fever'
I heard it said towards me and a person I was dating, a long while back, a few times. It even brought me to tears once.
I don't find that term funny. Not even a little. As a matter of fact I have never even heard that term until I lived in Utah. Is it some sort of joke to date someone of a different ethnicity? Why is it that when someone finds a guy or a girl that is black attractive they are like 'Oh man... JUNGLE FEVER. Hahaha!" Why? Why though? What's wrong with finding someone of a different ethnicity attractive? I don't see the need to cover it up with a ratchet excuse. You best believe if a person I'm dating ever says that to me while we're dating, I'll be dumping that person within 5 seconds after that comment because I don't need that close mindedness in my life.
You may be reading this thinking like 'come on it's just a joke'. Well I don't hear a term like that when someone likes white guys/girls... or hispanic guys/girls.. etc. I don't know about you... but it kind of hits hard at home to think someone thinks that liking me is just a 'phase' or a 'fever'. I'm mixed. So no matter WHO I date, black, white, latino, asian etc, we're GOING to be a mixed couple. So you might as well shove that term up your.....Anyways.
I can't stand it when the only time someone feels like a story is relevant to me is because there was a black person in it. If you think about starting a story like this: "Oh Caitlin, you'd like this story, he's black" this is you. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing stories. I just don't like it when you're the type of person that doesn't tell me jack unless something funny happened during the day that includes a black person. Cool. I'm glad that's the only time you feel like you can have a conversation with me.
I do admit, when I'm hanging out with the majority of my white friends I do emphasize the fact that I'm black. But, at the same time, when I'm hanging out with my black friends I emphasize the fact that I'm white. So maybe me saying things like 'Oh it's because I'm black so I don't do that' or 'That's my white side kicking in' may give you the confidence the call me out on what you think I am, more than the other. To be honest, the times I emphasize my ethnicity is when there is someone I don't know very well around and they are to scared to ask me what I am. But I'm both. I'm not just the black girl or the white girl. I'm both.
I'm not trying to attack anyone directly... I'm just letting you know what I've noticed in my 21 years of life that I'm not a huge fan of. I guess this really just goes out to random people that don't really know me and think they do once they realize I'm black when they snap their neck and are like 'guuuuuuurrrrrlllll' after I say 'girl'. I'm black AND white. I'm not just barely one and more of the other. I am two different cultures. I'm not going to sit hear a pretend like I'm more of one race than another because that's not true. So stop telling me what you think of me as. Because I am what I am.. I love every part of my diverse self and wouldn't switch it for anything.
Monday, January 13, 2014
I am HERE.
Was crying hard in my bed tonight.
Had my roommate there to comfort me.
Stopped crying for a moment... then she told me
"God is so proud of you... you taught a lesson for almost an hour about him, preaching that he is real, there is NO WAY he is or will ever forget about you. He is so happy with what you did for him today."
& in that moment my chest started to burn.
the tears started to flow even stronger.
I have never in my life felt such a strong sensation from the spirit that I had tonight. The feeling was there and gone within a few seconds.
Almost like he literally touched my soul and said "What she said was true... I am HERE"
After crying for another few minutes.. I caught my breath and said ".... woah.. that was weird.."
God is real and he hasn't forgotten you.
Had my roommate there to comfort me.
Stopped crying for a moment... then she told me
"God is so proud of you... you taught a lesson for almost an hour about him, preaching that he is real, there is NO WAY he is or will ever forget about you. He is so happy with what you did for him today."
& in that moment my chest started to burn.
the tears started to flow even stronger.
I have never in my life felt such a strong sensation from the spirit that I had tonight. The feeling was there and gone within a few seconds.
Almost like he literally touched my soul and said "What she said was true... I am HERE"
After crying for another few minutes.. I caught my breath and said ".... woah.. that was weird.."
God is real and he hasn't forgotten you.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Vent.
Tired of getting my hopes up.
Tired of being disappointed.
Tired of giving my all for nothing in return.
Just...tired.
(sorry for the negativity but I can't always be on)
Tired of being disappointed.
Tired of giving my all for nothing in return.
Just...tired.
(sorry for the negativity but I can't always be on)
Monday, December 30, 2013
2013 Review.
2013 was quite the year!
As some of you might know, 2012 was one of my harder years. So I was welcoming 2013 with open arms! Hopeful for the future. A lot of things in the beginning of 2013 didn't go the way I was expecting at all (i.e. wanting to transfer schools but not getting accepted & trying to get into the BFA at USU and not getting accepted)
I also had decided to get through a problem that I had been keeping a secret for 7+ years.
That was a huge one and I'm so glad I'm getting help for it now.
I feel like I was constantly put into situations this past year that are preparing me for what's to come in 2014. It just took me a while to realize that when I was in the moment.
Don't you love looking back at the decisions you make and thinking to yourself "Oh! So that's why that happened" or "Thank God I made that decision even though it was the hardest thing in my life!"? I had nice handful of those in this past year that I am SO GRATEFUL for.
This past year I've also learned the power of being a positive person. I believe that saying what you want and thinking about it really does make it come to be! I've had a lot of small things happen purely because I didn't drown myself in negativity like the way I used to. Granted, I'm still pretty bad at trying to stay positive ALL THE TIME but for a lot of the big things I really try my hardest!
I finally let go of a lot of things that were holding me back for the LONGEST TIME. I've never felt better.
I also met SO MANY amazing people in the past year that I will probably never forget. Each one of them have impacted my life for the better and I know great things are going to come in the future because of it.
There are times I feel like I put myself down when things aren't going the way I planned it out in my head. I'm sure we all do that. But for the most part I'm so happy with WHO I AM. I love every detail about my life, even the hard parts.
& Let's get real. Everyone loves a good Caitlin story about how something didn't work out. Because it's 10x more funny when I tell that story with all my crazy 'what I was thinking in that moment' inputs. That, and I'm super dramatic when I tell stories. So these tough spots that I'm trying to get through now, are just a funny story that I'll tell to my family and friends later.
God really does love and care about me (and everyone)... and it took me a while to fully grasp that when I was going through tough times. I know he has a plan for me and it's just working its way through right to the precise seconds.
God really does love and care about me (and everyone)... and it took me a while to fully grasp that when I was going through tough times. I know he has a plan for me and it's just working its way through right to the precise seconds.
All I can say about 2013 is, bravo. You did me well.
And guess what everyone? I have a really good feeling about what's to come in 2014.
You excited?! Because I sure am!
Until the next post :)
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
October&Novemeber Positivity Blog!!
Mmkay.
I'm terrible. Let's just say October and November just RAN AWAY FROM ME. It came and was gone in a blink of an eye...
I thought about what I could say for my positivity blog post... and nothing SUPER inspirational came!
BUT
Let's just say that I KNOW that being positive works. First hand.
In the beginning of the school year I was talking to my roommate Cami in her room. I told her point blank that I was going to have a date by the time 'pumpkin carving date season' comes around. I didn't say maybe or hopefully, I said it was going to happen. I didn't know how or had any idea who but I knew it was going to happen.
October rolled around... and then the end of October rolled around. And still nothing. I was starting to get worried that it was not going to happen, but whenever I thought like that I would say "NO! It's going to happen.. I still got a time! A week and a half left!"
And low and behold... I had a pumpkin date! True story.
I'm terrible. Let's just say October and November just RAN AWAY FROM ME. It came and was gone in a blink of an eye...
I thought about what I could say for my positivity blog post... and nothing SUPER inspirational came!
BUT
Let's just say that I KNOW that being positive works. First hand.
In the beginning of the school year I was talking to my roommate Cami in her room. I told her point blank that I was going to have a date by the time 'pumpkin carving date season' comes around. I didn't say maybe or hopefully, I said it was going to happen. I didn't know how or had any idea who but I knew it was going to happen.
October rolled around... and then the end of October rolled around. And still nothing. I was starting to get worried that it was not going to happen, but whenever I thought like that I would say "NO! It's going to happen.. I still got a time! A week and a half left!"
And low and behold... I had a pumpkin date! True story.
My positivity is being put to the ultimate test right now and will be during these last two semesters. But now that I know that saying things that you want verbally and feeling the joy in having it when you get it.. it makes it worth doing! Even when its hard.
Monday, September 30, 2013
September's Positivity Blog/My Week Detox
So.
Let me get straight to it and say... deactivating my Facebook for the past week has been absolutely fantastic. I honestly was thinking about going for longer.
Before I start I just want to say that Facebook is not a bad thing. Or any social network, really. Just a person using it the wrong way makes it not too great.
Honestly, me being curious was not the reason I reactivated it, instead of going longer. It was my love for free music on Spotify (which can only be accessed with a ACTIVE Facebook account). That and I went on a photo shoot and wanted to upload some pictures...... guilty.
Here's basically how my week went:
Saturday - going through major withdrawls
Sunday - some withdrawls
M,T,W,TH,F - didn't even mind
It was weird! By the end of the week I did not even want to reactivate. I honestly will probably be deactivating in the next few days again to try not getting on Facebook for even longer and see how my life goes... because honestly, I have not been thrilled having it back. I spend way too much time on that stupid thing.
Let's be honest, I think I really need to think about who's actually there for me and who really doesn't care. I need to differentiate between who are my REAL friends and who are just the people that belong in my unreal virtual world. If that means going on another purge to get rid of the people that I really don't even talk to and probably never will again then I'll do just that.
Honestly, the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' really does apply to me.
Anyways. This test to see if my happiness level changed was a success and I probably would have been even more happy if I had held up longer.... So I just know that to live a happy life I need to stop comparing my happiness level to others. I need to stop wishing I was more fun, more photogenic, more smart, more spontaneous etc. I need to be happy with the friends I have and how I choose to spend my few college years with them. I don't want to remember these days as weekends spend creeping on Facebook.
Things I did this week instead of wasting time on FB:
Let me get straight to it and say... deactivating my Facebook for the past week has been absolutely fantastic. I honestly was thinking about going for longer.
Before I start I just want to say that Facebook is not a bad thing. Or any social network, really. Just a person using it the wrong way makes it not too great.
Honestly, me being curious was not the reason I reactivated it, instead of going longer. It was my love for free music on Spotify (which can only be accessed with a ACTIVE Facebook account). That and I went on a photo shoot and wanted to upload some pictures...... guilty.
Here's basically how my week went:
Saturday - going through major withdrawls
Sunday - some withdrawls
M,T,W,TH,F - didn't even mind
It was weird! By the end of the week I did not even want to reactivate. I honestly will probably be deactivating in the next few days again to try not getting on Facebook for even longer and see how my life goes... because honestly, I have not been thrilled having it back. I spend way too much time on that stupid thing.
Let's be honest, I think I really need to think about who's actually there for me and who really doesn't care. I need to differentiate between who are my REAL friends and who are just the people that belong in my unreal virtual world. If that means going on another purge to get rid of the people that I really don't even talk to and probably never will again then I'll do just that.
Honestly, the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' really does apply to me.
Anyways. This test to see if my happiness level changed was a success and I probably would have been even more happy if I had held up longer.... So I just know that to live a happy life I need to stop comparing my happiness level to others. I need to stop wishing I was more fun, more photogenic, more smart, more spontaneous etc. I need to be happy with the friends I have and how I choose to spend my few college years with them. I don't want to remember these days as weekends spend creeping on Facebook.
Things I did this week instead of wasting time on FB:
Railroad track photo shoot
Went with roommate to find weeds in the rain
Sister Dalton at Religion in Life
Made a delicious Chicken White Rice and Bacon Soup
5th wheeled a Aggie Baseball game!
Had a campfire at Tony's Grove
Got pranked. Moved the fridge from the living room back to the kitchen
& More photo shoot fun :)
Until the next post
Friday, September 20, 2013
Facebook is Seriously Ruining Me
This is going to be the most hypocritical post I've ever done because I am the definition of a FB junkie/addict.
But I just wanted to post about how FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc; is seriously making us more depressed than happy.
How is it that we can spend countless hours on these social networks instead of actually going out and having REAL social interactions with people?
We are seriously living in such a virtual world it's ridiculous. People are meeting people in this world, not in person anymore, oh no, that'd be too easy, but in this unreal world of FB, Twitter, and Instagram! Instead of actually calling people to check up on their lives at a more personal level we decide to go do that from the comfort of our bedrooms on our laptops or while we're waiting in line at the taco stand from our phones because we have that good 'ol Facebook app. We are living in this virtual world where we don't actually have to talk to people in order to know what's going on in their lives and it's driving me insane.
I feel like nowadays people have to always update us on how in love they are or how exciting their weekend was to prove that they are actually living life. But something came to me yesterday. If you are actually enjoying life and living it, why do you feel the need to have to prove it on Instagram or Facebook. If your significant other really does know how much you love them why post it on FB? Things like that, to me, should be private and more special... not flaunted all around to a point where it drives everyone else insane.
My least favorite line on FB or Insta "So in love with this xyz! One month down, eternity to go!" ...... Shahhhht uuuup. We get it you're still in love after one month, and I'm truly happy that you are because if you weren't after one month I'd be really worried about the rest of eternity. Maybe instead, do that line after 25 years of marriage.. that seems like more of a success and something worth bragging about to me.
& is it just me or do I feel like people are trying hard to one-up how exciting their lives are and use FB and Instagram as their way to do just that? I know I purposefully go and do something to make my life seem more interesting than it normally is. How lame is that.
Honestly, my parents were even talking to me about this, Facebook and all these other social networks do nothing but force us to compare how well our lives are going to others. I'm seriously so tired of logging on and seeing 'Aw she's engaged after 2 months awesome! What am I doing wrong?!' or 'Aw he spent his Saturday helping the elderly? Cool. He's such a great person and I've just been sitting here on FB or checking my Instagram every 2 hours'. It does nothing but make me feel inadequate and not exciting even when I do post 50 pictures from my week.
We live in a virtual world where instead of having real social interactions, we avoid them.
I'm going to delete my Facebook account for one week and compare my happiness level to how it is today. & let me tell you I've had so many excuses of why I shouldn't delete it that went along the lines of "Oh man, what if someone wants to add me this week and can't find me!" Or "What if something really exciting happens in someones life and I miss it!" Do you see how sad that is? I have an idea Caitlin, why don't you just shoot them a text or a phone call to get updates and actually talk to them. That's the way it used to be done. And if someone wants to 'add me' to just creep on my pictures and never EVER talk to me than that's not really missing out on that much I feel.
How sad is it that this is so hard for me to do since I've become such an addict towards it. But I really need to try. So if you need me. Shoot me a text. If you don't have my number... we probably weren't that tight anyway.
But I just wanted to post about how FB, Twitter, Instagram, etc; is seriously making us more depressed than happy.
How is it that we can spend countless hours on these social networks instead of actually going out and having REAL social interactions with people?
We are seriously living in such a virtual world it's ridiculous. People are meeting people in this world, not in person anymore, oh no, that'd be too easy, but in this unreal world of FB, Twitter, and Instagram! Instead of actually calling people to check up on their lives at a more personal level we decide to go do that from the comfort of our bedrooms on our laptops or while we're waiting in line at the taco stand from our phones because we have that good 'ol Facebook app. We are living in this virtual world where we don't actually have to talk to people in order to know what's going on in their lives and it's driving me insane.
I feel like nowadays people have to always update us on how in love they are or how exciting their weekend was to prove that they are actually living life. But something came to me yesterday. If you are actually enjoying life and living it, why do you feel the need to have to prove it on Instagram or Facebook. If your significant other really does know how much you love them why post it on FB? Things like that, to me, should be private and more special... not flaunted all around to a point where it drives everyone else insane.
My least favorite line on FB or Insta "So in love with this xyz! One month down, eternity to go!" ...... Shahhhht uuuup. We get it you're still in love after one month, and I'm truly happy that you are because if you weren't after one month I'd be really worried about the rest of eternity. Maybe instead, do that line after 25 years of marriage.. that seems like more of a success and something worth bragging about to me.
& is it just me or do I feel like people are trying hard to one-up how exciting their lives are and use FB and Instagram as their way to do just that? I know I purposefully go and do something to make my life seem more interesting than it normally is. How lame is that.
Honestly, my parents were even talking to me about this, Facebook and all these other social networks do nothing but force us to compare how well our lives are going to others. I'm seriously so tired of logging on and seeing 'Aw she's engaged after 2 months awesome! What am I doing wrong?!' or 'Aw he spent his Saturday helping the elderly? Cool. He's such a great person and I've just been sitting here on FB or checking my Instagram every 2 hours'. It does nothing but make me feel inadequate and not exciting even when I do post 50 pictures from my week.
We live in a virtual world where instead of having real social interactions, we avoid them.
I'm going to delete my Facebook account for one week and compare my happiness level to how it is today. & let me tell you I've had so many excuses of why I shouldn't delete it that went along the lines of "Oh man, what if someone wants to add me this week and can't find me!" Or "What if something really exciting happens in someones life and I miss it!" Do you see how sad that is? I have an idea Caitlin, why don't you just shoot them a text or a phone call to get updates and actually talk to them. That's the way it used to be done. And if someone wants to 'add me' to just creep on my pictures and never EVER talk to me than that's not really missing out on that much I feel.
How sad is it that this is so hard for me to do since I've become such an addict towards it. But I really need to try. So if you need me. Shoot me a text. If you don't have my number... we probably weren't that tight anyway.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
9/11
It's been 12 years.
& I have never actually written down my personal experience on that day other than something I wrote in my journal when I was 9.
& I have never actually written down my personal experience on that day other than something I wrote in my journal when I was 9.
12 years ago today, only 9 days after I had just turned 9, I was in my 4th grade class doing a writing assignment. My principle comes on the intercom and announces that there was going to be an early release in school that day and to please not turn on any TV's. As kids, our initial reaction was 'School's out early?! Sweet!'. It didn't take long to realize how serious the situation really was. I remember my classmates being called out one by one by a person from the main office telling them that their parents were there early to get them. I was starting to get worried. I was hoping that my mom heard that school was getting out early and that she would hopefully be there to get me too. When almost half the class had already left because their parents came, my mom finally came and got me. I remember grabbing my Winnie the Pooh and Tiger lunch box and leaving my class to find my mom looking worried. I asked her what was going on and as she was walking she told me that two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. I had absolutely no idea what that was. We walked out of the school and I remember looking up at the sky... it was so blue. Just like the sky in New York. As I looked up I saw two army jet planes fly over the school. I got really scared when I saw that. Back then I had no idea where they were going, but now I know they were probably headed to DC because of the Pentagon.
I remember getting home and I can't remember if my dad was already there or if he got home a little after me but I do have a clear memory of him sitting there watching the TV and me asking him if he were happy or sad. Now, before you think I was a dumb 9 year old asking a stupid question, I need to tell you why I asked. For some reason I used to ask my dad if he were happy or sad random times. I don't know why I did.. I think I did it because it made me happy to know everything was alright. The thing about my dad though, he would ALWAYS answer 'I'M HAPPY! :)' every single time. Now, because I saw how concerned he was, it got me really worried. Everything I saw happening on the TV was scaring me a lot. So I asked him that because his normal answer was 'I'M HAPPY' which would mean everything was alright. For the first time ever, my dad said in a very serious voice almost a little of a yell 'No, I'm not happy! All these innocent people are loosing their lives!'. That hit me VERY hard that day. For the first time I realized how serious the situation was and how the world isn't always going to be a good/and happy place.
I remember running down to the basement after he said that and turning on the TV down there. Every. Single. Channel had the towers on it. Replaying the crash and the fall. I finally found the ONE channel that wasn't playing it and it was PBS kids. I stayed down their until the early evening.
I remember our phone ringing a lot that day from family making sure my dad was alright because they knew how he worked in DC. I remember being absolutely terrified for the next week or so if I ever heard a plane flying over the house.
Till this day, I really have been scared of flying.. and 9/11 is a pretty big chunk of why I am.
I remember when I went to NYC when I was 13 or my uncle was in the taxi cab with us and he wanted us to drive by Ground Zero. I had no desire to go there at all. The memory of it all just freaked me out. We did drive by it and I felt very sad.
Finally, this past summer I went to NYC. It was spur of the moment for me because I wasn't sure if I wanted to do a day trip. My sister's friend Matt who was visiting really wanted to go though, and he also really wanted to see the new 9/11 memorial. I wasn't really gun ho about going... because like many other people, that day really effected me. Especially being so young. But in my head I thought about how I should since I was there. So we got tickets online and went.
When we got off the subway, it was right in front of that church that did not fall that day. I remember seeing that church in pictures but now I was standing in front of it. I turned to my right and looked up imagining what those two towers must have looked like. We then found the memorial entrance, went through security, then proceeded to walk into the memorial.
That memorial is one of the most beautifully designed memorials I have ever seen. I remember just looking and thinking of what it must of been like. I kept looking up and imagining the towers.
When I saw 'One World Trade Center' it reminded me of how at the end of the day, we are one nation and in horrifying times like this we can come together and start anew.. never forgetting our past.
It's hard to believe it's been twelve years since that terrifying day. But now that I'm 21, and faced my fear to go to that spot where those innocent lives were lost, I can look back and truly understand, respect, and honor those people whose names were written on that memorial that lost their lives that day. It's crazy to think that there were some children there at the memorial who weren't even alive when this happened. But it is still something everyone needs to remember and never forget.
God Bless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)