Yes, I took offense.. and that's okay

So.. a little more serious topic.. meh sorry. 

Have you ever felt like you were confident enough to do something or say something because a friend told you it didn't bother them, or that it was alright. Or a friend of a friend does it so you justify you acting or saying certain things?

I know I have. 

One example of this is when a person says a racial slur. (For the purpose of this post I'm not going to post a particular one.. but if you know of one that has a deep root of being offensive, use that as your example).
I personally do not say words that are like that. I don't refer to my friends in that way, and that's that. But that's JUST me. 

Here's where the issue comes to play.

When a person DOES say words that could be offensive to another.. I really don't care UNLESS, you say it to me/at me when you YOU know that word could be used in a completely opposite context. 
The underlying problem that I cannot stand is when a person some how JUSTIFIES saying a word to someone who does not like it because they know a friend or a friend of a friend who once gave them permission or that particular person did not care whether or not that term was used. 

That being said, when did your friend or celebrity or whoever it was become the spokesperson for that group of people? Just because a friend or an athlete or a singer says certain terms, it does NOT justify it being okay. 

If you and those people want to say terms like that WITHIN your own group of friends.. then do just that. I don't care. But when you think you can say a racial slur to me with confidence because you're 'backed up' by your friends, that's where I draw a line. Respect a person enough that if a word, that was ORIGINALLY made to be offensive, offends a person, to not say that word.. and I'm going to just leave it at that. 

Sorry. Just a food for thought. 

September's Positivity Blog

As far as my positivity blogs go, I'm so sorry!

I've been told by a few people who I'm only acquaintances with that they read my blog and how I've helped them stay more positive. & let me tell you.. that absolutely makes my day when I hear something like that.

To start off this post, I'd like to say that I'm better at preaching positivity than actually doing it. I can think positive thoughts alright, but as far as never doubting and putting myself down, yeah.. I'm no good at that. As a matter of fact, if something doesn't happen in MY personal time period, I start to doubt like crazy.

It can get FRUSTRATING. To anyone who feels like they've ever been in a stationary state for a long period of time you can empathize with me that it is HARD.

But I want to tell you some things about me that I feel very proud of myself for doing. They aren't out of this world but, I think they are really helping me focus on me. 

I go to the gym now. Wait, what? Yes... I know. The apocalypse MUST be soon. I somehow found self motivation to go. I think paying for a gym instead of just doing it here and there for free helps me personally stay self motivated. Because if I don't go, I just wasted money. I really enjoy the gym I go to as well which helps me stay motivated. I've been going for about 6 weeks now, 3 days a week and I'm really starting to see what sort of an impact it's making on me. 

Another thing that I'm proud of myself for doing is taking the time to 'smell the roses' if you may. If I have absolutely nothing else to do, I try and do something to sooth one of my 5 senses. One of the things I've been taking the time to do is watch the sunset. I really enjoy the way the light touches the carpet and makes me feel warm and happy. I've always loved sunsets, so doing this is one of my favorites.

I joined the Black Student Union which is a club at USU. I've met some great people and I finally feel like I can relate with people on different levels OTHER than Mormonism for once. I love being able to talk about the weird things people say out here to me because I'm black and the people in this club have been through it too. It's great having those group of friends. 

On another note:
I tend to feel alone a lot. Sometimes I do that to myself or people do it unknowingly to me. I don't like feeling left out but I feel that way almost ALL the time when I'm around people. I need to work on being happy even when those moments come and I have to realize that people don't do it on purpose even though it happens.

Last, I need to work on being okay with being alone (dating wise). I sometimes wonder what could possibly be wrong with me and start beating myself up emotionally because of it. But the more I do things on my own, the more content I am with being alone. My friend was telling me to take this time now to work on things for me and enjoy it because once I'm married I'll never really get the chance to think of just me ever again. So for those of you struggling with something along those lines... let's catch a movie together ;)

Anyways, this post was all over the place. I always feel pretty vulnerable posting things like this but I figure if I can help one other person other than me I did an alright job.

Happy Friday :)
Until the next post. 

a n a l o g y

I went floating yesterday which was one of the funnest things I've done this whole summer. 

Today in church a woman gave a talk and was giving an analogy of life. She compared it to floating a river. I had a lot of thoughts floating through my mind when I thought of how floating a river can be compared to our lives.

Now hear me out. It's a pretty interesting thought! (That and I just want to tell you about my river floating experience....sooo..)

When I first got into the river it was calm. I got on my tube easily and just started on my way. Like life there are friends that come and go, that is similar to floating. Some people will make it further ahead of you and that's alright. Some people you may not be able to float the river with the whole way through but at least you got a little time with them before they drifted away. You can compare that to any friend you have ever been close with but is no longer in your life & how it's okay.

Now, there are times on the river where the harsh rapids may knock you off your tube. Maybe not necessarily the rapids.. but the rocks that you have to try and dodge. They may bump you in the BUTT and it's going to HURT and we all have to face them. Yesterday, the first set of rapids I hit knocked me off pretty hard. I like to refer to this as the trials that may come in your life. You really can't avoid having trials... but the question is are you going to be prepared for it? Because for me, I was not prepared for those set of rapids, and it knocked me off my tube. 

But, then there were the friends that were floating nearby to help me out and get me back up again. This can be compared to the close people in your life that are always there for you when you fall and go through tough times. There were points on the river where my friend would hold out his paddle (don't ask where he even got that from) and I would try and grab on tight! But sometimes I would slip away, and like in life you may slip away from the friends that are there to support you and get you through the scary rapids of life. 

There was a point on the river where there were clear arrows pointing the in the direction we HAD to go. It was under a bridge and you had to steer to the right (ironically enough) to make sure you don't hit a pole that's hard to duck. But my tube was taking me in another direction that basically got out of my control. Right enough, the other direction was not the safe way at all and was very dangerous. I thankfully made it through no problem, but there are times in life where I feel like I do take the wrong road and I know very clearly which road is good for me and which are not. 

For the second half of the float.. I stuck with my friends. I held onto there bigger raft and made sure not to let go (for the most part). If I did let go, they would always try and catch me and make sure I was holding on again. During this half the rapids weren't as strong and it was mostly calm. It would be calm for a few minutes and then a quick rapid and then calm again. It's a lot like life. Trials come and go. We know we are going to get them, but we don't necessarily know when. That's why we were always prepared when looking ahead.

Now there were other times where I would get stuck in a part where I literally could not move my tube. It took a lot of strength to get out and eventually I did it. But when I got out, the rest of my group was way ahead of me which left me floating alone. Sometimes in life you may get stuck and there may be no one there to help you but yourself. That was a great time for me to just enjoy my own company and love the journey. 

At the end of the river, the group of us all got off. We all got there at different times and were waiting for all of us to get back. Some tubes didn't make it, and the people on those tubes just floated with their lifejackets to the end while some other friends looked like they went through more of a rougher ride. But we all made it back to the shore together at some point. 

I believe that's the same with life... eventually we are all going to pass on, but I believe, even though at different times, we are all going to end up on that 'shoreline' together. Excited to see each other with stories to tell of their adventures on their
river of life. 

I hope that analogy made as much sense to you here as it did in my head at church today. 
If you've never gone floating, I think you should try... with this analogy in your head. It may change the way you look at the simple things in life that can have similar meanings to the greater things. 

h a p p y m o m e n t s

I haven't blogged in a while. But, I wanted to make a post and share some of the moments where I felt really happy recently. I know not many people are going to read this, but I'm doing so I don't forget when I'm having a hard day.

The 4th of July weekend. A friend and I were driving home from a full day of activities. I live by the temple and we were driving by this road where you can basically overlook the whole valley. We see fireworks coming from every direction. It was the coolest thing so we pulled over and just watched the valley light up with so many fireworks. In that moment it was so perfect. It was so great to have a friend to sit with and enjoy each other company while seeing, in my opinion, one of Logan's best kept secrets. 

[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]

Another moment was just tonight. It was a full day of floating a river with a group of friends that I ALWAYS have so much fun with. They're the type of friends that always invite me to everything and don't stop even when I can't go to some things every once in a while. After feeling left out so much in the past few months it's been nice being able to count on them for a good time. & also feeling like an important friend even though everyone is treated the exact same way. 

After we had a great big feast and started driving back to Logan, we started seeing fireworks in the canyon and we all started freaking out! (literally screaming to pull over) We pulled to the little town that has a lake where we could have seen the fireworks reflecting off it. We jumped out of the car and started running down this dark town road that would light up with HUGE and BRIGHT fireworks every few seconds. We ran and ran, and the fireworks were right above us and HUGE. It was the best feeling and SO FUN. We didn't make it to the lake to see the rest of the show, because the finale started not too long after we started running, but it was seriously the best part of this great day. 

[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]

I don't want to forget these moments because these are the moments I want to look back to when I remember my first summer in Logan. And I love those moments that are rare but just make you naturally HAPPY. Not a forced sort of happy either... just something so natural where you can look back and think... wow I was truly happy in this moment. Those are the moments I live for. 

Phones and People These Days

I'm going to sound like someone who was born before the 'cell phone days' or earlier in this post but...
I seriously HATE how some people are with their cell phones.

Before we start, I want to disclose that I have been some if not all of the people I'm about to rant about, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical, but at least I'm admitting to it now. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is when you are with someone you haven't seen in a LONG time and instead of trying to make conversation with them they pull out their phones and start checking Facebook, Insta, Snapchat etc. Oh I'm sorry I'm boring you to tears that you have to check up on Insta every hour on the dot to make sure you didn't miss something! 
I'll admit to being this person sometimes. ONLY if the person I'm with has no intention of continuing a conversation with me. Because I can usually find SOMETHING to talk about with someone if I absolutely have to. But I REFUSE to be the only one trying to carry on a conversation. Whether if it's text or in real life. If you're not putting in the effort I sure as heck won't either. Sorry. 

I really hate texting too. I'm 100% more happy when a person calls me. I can't get all my thoughts through in a text message that's for sure. That and texting gets frustrating. I feel like whenever I want to hear back from someone asap they take a million hours to respond when what I asked isn't even relevant anymore but when I don't care to talk to a person they are SUPER responsive and those are the days I leave my phone in my room all day and never check it. It's dumb. Just call. Or not... whatever, it's your choice. 

If you are on your phone, for no reason, and we're out at a sit down restaurant.. you best believe you've made it to the 'people that bug me' list. I'm fine with a person checking their phone because it's an important call or text or we need to find out what movies are playing or whatever. But I dated a guy once who would check the scores for every sports team, every ten minutes, while we were on a dinner date, that had TVs with sports on, that showed the scores all over the place...... That bugged me so much. I wanted to throw my coke at him. 

WE NEED TO GET OFF FACEBOOK, GET OF INSTA, GET OF THAT GAME for FIVE MINUTES! I promise you, the stuff will STILL be there when you are alone. 

Dang.

end rant. 

The Atonement: Through My Eyes

This is a personal post.. but felt like sharing
---------
I've been thinking a lot lately about Christ. 

I feel like I can be selfish and ungrateful. I feel like there are times in my life where I feel like I don't need help from my Savior. 
I feel emptiness, anger, sadness, heartbreak almost on a weekly basis. Not intensely.. but it happens. I also feel joy, excitement and happiness weekly as well. There is a balance as weeks go on what I am feeling.

I also get frustrated with, not myself, but with God. It comes with my lack of trust in men in general. That probably is the reason for my lack in close friends that are men. Sometimes there are times where I literally feel God's presence... then I feel like he disappears for weeks on end and I don't get anything to the point where I'm crying for attention. I've seen the same trend in earthly men so it makes me generalize in a way that I shouldn't. 

There has been one area in my life where the atonement is something I NEED. It is something everyone needs.. but I have been really struggling to use it. Maybe out of fear of disappointment... maybe because of my trust issues. 

But today when I was walking with a friend.. and she was venting out all her anger to me.. this is how our conversation went:
Her: "I'm just so angry right now.. Let's go talk about Christ, I love Christ"
Me: "Well you don't have to feel sad or angry... just give all your burdens to Him, that's what he's there for. Just give all those feelings to Him. Let Him take them away. " At least that's what I hear... I haven't actually tried it myself. 

I don't know a lot of things I probably should know as a Mormon. I may not understand how the atonement works completely.. but what I do know is that it HEALS. I heard so many testimonies today about it. 

I don't have to feel sadness, or emptiness, or anger, or heartbreak. Because I know he's there to take those feelings away.
For once in my life I just need to TRUST. He will fix me. He will HEAL me. He will UNDERSTAND me. I need to fall into his arms and have faith and today is the day I'm going to use the atonement more in my life. Not SAY that I am going to but actually going to. 

It's funny.. because as I am writing this.. I feel my chest burning, so I feel His presence right now and I NEVER want to forget that feeling. 

Whoever is reading this, do it with me. Use the atonement in your life. Even if you don't fully understand how it works, I'm sure we'll find out together. 


Happy Sunday,
 Until the next post. 

Hypocritical Lover

Breakups are HARD

I could just end my blog post like that... BOOM. But no I'm going to keep going. 

Personally, I always think of the lyric from the song Feels Good At First by Train that says

"For every heartbreak, there's a sermon to be said and this pastor in my head is preaching to the choir" because there really has to be! There has to be someone there, friends or family, that basically need to preach to you that help you get through it because I know for me I CANNOT do it alone. 

With that being said, I feel as though I am such a hypocrite. When a friend goes through a heartbreak I have to sit there and convince them that everything is going to be alright and they'll find someone and this and that. But here's the problem. I have not even convinced myself of that. I have a hard time believing everything will fall into place.

I know how relationships work.. this is not my first rodeo. I can tell when a guy wants to be with me or doesn't. I can tell the exact date I feel the person withdrawal.. and almost every breakup I have been in have been pretty similar, yet different. 

What I need help working on is the believing that sometimes it really is not ME. Sometimes things don't work out. & It's not because I was not good enough, its because that person was just not the right match for me. Yes, even though he was nice and yes even though he treated me better than the last one. Because clearly, the fact that someone was a nice person (which is not hard to do...) is not the reason of why it probably didn't work. 

The one thing that I can preach though to anyone who has a hard time with heartbreak is that you can really learn to understand yourself so much better through it. You find your likes and dislikes. There are some things that I thought were important in a relationship that really aren't. There are also things about me that I learn to love when I find someone I truly care about. 

For example, I noticed that when I'm in a relationship, I love to serve the other person.
No.. not like wait at them hand and foot.. but serve.
I like to do small and big things to them that I hope will make their day. 

So to end this on a positive note,  that is actually the opposite of hypocritical: 
Love yourself enough to know what you're worth and to never settle for anything less. 

....Because you're not just looking for a lover.. you're looking for your best friend.

How I Feel About My Art

I was in a critique a while ago for a project that I didn't really know how to construct. I found it difficult and put a good amount of time into it. It didn't look like professional quality work by any means but it looked the way I wanted it to look and it got my point across. More importantly I really liked my work. 

Of course when I step into a room full of people with beautifully constructed work I start to doubt whether mine is good at all. Even when just a few hours earlier I was personally proud of what I did. 

The kicker was..after almost every positive critique it was challenged by a not-so-positive critique by the instructor about how it was messy or how it didn't seem like time was put into it. 

Well it's a good thing I'm not going into wire construction as a profession because I don't like doing it. 

& here's my thought that I got out of it...
I really don't care if someone else doesn't like my artwork. 

Of course if I have a client for photography and they expect a certain thing photographed a certain way, then of course I'll do what they ask and care what they think but that's a different senario. 

At the end of the day.. I have to love my work. I have to be proud of what I put into it even if other people don't like it. 

People go to art shows all the time and wonder why a certain piece is considered art... But in my head I see it as, someone constructed this piece of art and are expressing themselves by how simple or by how messy or whatever it is that makes it art in their eyes. It doesn't matter if I don't think it's art if the artist that made it has a meaning behind it. 

Just sayin. 

Just Stop & Think Before You Talk.

This is kind of a touchy subject type of post... I wrote this at some point a few months ago but was too scared to post it and just saved it as a draft. But, when I re-read it I decided to share. 

This post isn't really something I would normally talk about in anything like a blog, but it's getting to a point where I feel like there are some people that really irritate me and I need to get this off my chest. 

I cannot stand it when someone says stupid things like 'you're barely black'. 

... Please enlighten me. How am I barely black when my mother is African American...?

Is it because I don't 'talk black'?
Is it because I don't have 'black hair'?
Is it because I'm pretty light skinned for being black?

I'm just really trying to understand your train of thought...because you definitely don't categorize me as a 'white girl'.

Another thing that bothers me SO much is the term 'jungle fever'

I heard it said towards me and a person I was dating, a long while back, a few times. It even brought me to tears once.
I don't find that term funny. Not even a little. As a matter of fact I have never even heard that term until I lived in Utah. Is it some sort of joke to date someone of a different ethnicity? Why is it that when someone finds a guy or a girl that is black attractive they are like 'Oh man... JUNGLE FEVER. Hahaha!" Why? Why though? What's wrong with finding someone of a different ethnicity attractive? I don't see the need to cover it up with a ratchet excuse. You best believe if a person I'm dating ever says that to me while we're dating, I'll be dumping that person within 5 seconds after that comment because I don't need that close mindedness in my life. 

You may be reading this thinking like 'come on it's just a joke'. Well I don't hear a term like that when someone likes white guys/girls... or hispanic guys/girls.. etc. I don't know about you... but it kind of hits hard at home to think someone thinks that liking me is just a 'phase' or a 'fever'. I'm mixed. So no matter WHO I date, black, white, latino, asian etc, we're GOING to be a mixed couple. So you might as well shove that term up your.....Anyways. 

I can't stand it when the only time someone feels like a story is relevant to me is because there was a black person in it. If you think about starting a story like this: "Oh Caitlin, you'd like this story, he's black" this is you. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing stories. I just don't like it when you're the type of person that doesn't tell me jack unless something funny happened during the day that includes a black person. Cool. I'm glad that's the only time you feel like you can have a conversation with me.  

I do admit, when I'm hanging out with the majority of my white friends I do emphasize the fact that I'm black. But, at the same time, when I'm hanging out with my black friends I emphasize the fact that I'm white. So maybe me saying things like 'Oh it's because I'm black so I don't do that' or 'That's my white side kicking in' may give you the confidence the call me out on what you think I am, more than the other. To be honest, the times I emphasize my ethnicity is when there is someone I don't know very well around and they are to scared to ask me what I am. But I'm both. I'm not just the black girl or the white girl. I'm both. 

I'm not trying to attack anyone directly... I'm just letting you know what I've noticed in my 21 years of life that I'm not a huge fan of. I guess this really just goes out to random people that don't really know me and think they do once they realize I'm black when they snap their neck and are like 'guuuuuuurrrrrlllll' after I say 'girl'. I'm black AND white. I'm not just barely one and more of the other. I am two different cultures. I'm not going to sit hear a pretend like I'm more of one race than another because that's not true. So stop telling me what you think of me as. Because I am what I am..  I love every part of my diverse self and wouldn't switch it for anything. 

I am HERE.

Was crying hard in my bed tonight.
Had my roommate there to comfort me.
Stopped crying for a moment... then she told me
"God is so proud of you... you taught a lesson for almost an hour about him, preaching that he is real, there is NO WAY he is or will ever forget about you. He is so happy with what you did for him today."


& in that moment my chest started to burn.
the tears started to flow even stronger.

I have never in my life felt such a strong sensation from the spirit that I had tonight. The feeling was there and gone within a few seconds.
Almost like he literally touched my soul and said "What she said was true... I am HERE"

After crying for another few minutes.. I caught my breath and said ".... woah.. that was weird.." 




God is real and he hasn't forgotten you. 

Vent.

Tired of getting my hopes up.

Tired of being disappointed. 

Tired of giving my all for nothing in return.




Just...tired. 

(sorry for the negativity but I can't always be on)