2016... POSITIVITY IS BACK.

Hi. 

I just wanted to take a second and let you know that I'm bringing back my positivity monthly blog posts and I'm really excited about it. 

I decided to update my whole blog and make it exciting for me to come back to working on. Not that talking about how much of a grumpy goose I've been isn't exciting and all but... ;)

With that being said, I do need to be honest with everyone that is reading this. I really struggle with being positive. It got to the point where it was so bad that I couldn't even think of one thing I could be proud to talk about why I enjoyed 2015. I could sit here and list you a million reasons why I have the right to be a downer all the time but that would only continue to give life to the negative fire that should be burned out. 

But let me get vulnerable with you for a moment. I graduated college and felt like a loser. Yup that's right.. a LOSER. How could someone who just completed a huge milestone in their life feel like a loser for such a wonderful accomplishment? And that's where the negative thoughts come in. Me telling myself I'm not good enough and that I graduated with a useless degree and that's why I couldn't find a job, how I didn't get married in college when about 80% of the people I knew did, me actually disliking people who I didn't even know for their success and happiness when I for some reason was not finding it... but you want to know the crazy part that's so similar in all these scenarios?

They were all just THOUGHTS. 

Gross thoughts that were eating me up from the inside out. How did I get to this point? Because these thoughts are not my reality. I'm not a loser and I don't have a useless degree, it's ok that I didn't find me a man in college and haven't gotten married yet, and it's ok that that other people are finding success! 

IT'S OK. Stop beating yourself up. JUST STOP. 
Here's what's interesting... I believe that even if I don't believe all those phrases right this second, me just saying them/writing them down is already a step in a more positive direction.

Write down your thoughts and replace the negative with the good. I feel like it lifts a gross feeling off of ya, which I'm all for! I'm hopeful that these blog posts will help me take steps in the right direction that can help me live a fuller life. I'm also hopeful that if anything, maybe it'll help someone else who struggles with negativity in their own mind as well. 

So here we go... 2016! Let's do this. 

August Positivity Blog: The Realities of Life

Hello, hello!

Why in the world did I stop doing these blog posts?!

I seriously used to love doing the positivity blog and I know there were people that read it that liked me doing them too. So, it's about time I started thing little thang up again! 

For starters, my life has been anything other than positive vibes (my own fault of course).

It's just really funny how you can have this vision of what your life is supposed to be like. You can have a plan lined up and ready to go like "OH! I'm going to go to college and figure out exactly what I want to be and where I want to go".. but in all reality that's NOT how life plays out for everyone. 

What I keep reminding myself when it comes to life is that there is no set formula that works for everyone. There just isn't. As individuals we are all SO different. Something that works for your sister's best friend or maybe even your sister OR YOU may not work the same for me. So for me, it gets frustrating when people tell their unique story and believe its the formula that can help bring you happiness. 

Nah.. you have to find happiness in yourself first and on your own. That's what I've been taking the free time to do since I've graduated. I'm trying to not let the rules of society dictate my happiness. I feel like I've been living a life where I never really got to know myself on a deeper level. Do I really love what I graduated in? Is there something else that could make me happier? Are there things I want to experience that I couldn't before but can now? These sort of questions are something you can just answer on a timed test... they are things that take time to develop and understand. 

See, my problem is I have an issue with settling. I hate watching others do it and I make it a priority that I won't. Here's a story...

In my Photography II class in college, we had to pick a subject that we were going to have to take pictures of the ENTIRE semester. No changes. That seems like an easy task but it had to be an inanimate object that there are a lot of that you can't move or change (it's complicated I know, but an example of that would be a bench or a soda machine or maybe even doors). The pressure of having to choose something for the whole semester by the next two classes made me make a choice that, if I had thought it over longer, wouldn't have been something I'd do. I picked churches. Seems easy enough, going around to churches and taking photos of them. Here's the problem: You had to take pictures of churches the same exact way EVERY TIME. Not only that, we were working with 4x5 camera's so there wasn't much wiggle room for mistakes. Do you now how HARD it is to find a church in Logan, Utah that isn't Mormon? I'll answer that for ya.. it's hard. If it's not a church looking building it's just a regular house. Long story short, I hated the semester, I had never felt more stressed and I had wished I could have just picked something that I had more of an interest in taking photos of (like doors or something.. I really like cool doors thanks to mama Moulton). Not only that, near the end of the semester, I didn't really care anymore. I ended up getting torn apart at my final critique which left me walking out saying I would never take a photo of a church again. 

Now that story was more of a rant that anything.. but I truly feel if I wasn't pressured so quickly to make the choice I did, I wouldn't have been so miserable that semester. That's a small comparison to life.. but I believe these are the days of opportunity to truly figure out what I want out of life. DON'T SETTLE for something that will just get you by. In one of my guilty pleasure shows I watch there's a line that says "...But the right kind of pressure can make you into a diamond" "Yes, and the wrong kind of pressure can turn you into dust".  Don't be dust. It'll be worth it. 

Stay positive, you'll figure it out and it will be beautiful!

Until the next post :) 

Nostalgia Wednesday

I haven't posted a blog in FOREVER.
It's about time I did.. 
but this time I decided to VLOG. 
It's easier for me to tell stories when I can verbally do it than typing it all up. 

Here's to my new web series (maybe.. I dunno) NOSTALGIA WEDNESDAY 

Yes, I took offense.. and that's okay

So.. a little more serious topic.. meh sorry. 

Have you ever felt like you were confident enough to do something or say something because a friend told you it didn't bother them, or that it was alright. Or a friend of a friend does it so you justify you acting or saying certain things?

I know I have. 

One example of this is when a person says a racial slur. (For the purpose of this post I'm not going to post a particular one.. but if you know of one that has a deep root of being offensive, use that as your example).
I personally do not say words that are like that. I don't refer to my friends in that way, and that's that. But that's JUST me. 

Here's where the issue comes to play.

When a person DOES say words that could be offensive to another.. I really don't care UNLESS, you say it to me/at me when you YOU know that word could be used in a completely opposite context. 
The underlying problem that I cannot stand is when a person some how JUSTIFIES saying a word to someone who does not like it because they know a friend or a friend of a friend who once gave them permission or that particular person did not care whether or not that term was used. 

That being said, when did your friend or celebrity or whoever it was become the spokesperson for that group of people? Just because a friend or an athlete or a singer says certain terms, it does NOT justify it being okay. 

If you and those people want to say terms like that WITHIN your own group of friends.. then do just that. I don't care. But when you think you can say a racial slur to me with confidence because you're 'backed up' by your friends, that's where I draw a line. Respect a person enough that if a word, that was ORIGINALLY made to be offensive, offends a person, to not say that word.. and I'm going to just leave it at that. 

Sorry. Just a food for thought. 

September's Positivity Blog

As far as my positivity blogs go, I'm so sorry!

I've been told by a few people who I'm only acquaintances with that they read my blog and how I've helped them stay more positive. & let me tell you.. that absolutely makes my day when I hear something like that.

To start off this post, I'd like to say that I'm better at preaching positivity than actually doing it. I can think positive thoughts alright, but as far as never doubting and putting myself down, yeah.. I'm no good at that. As a matter of fact, if something doesn't happen in MY personal time period, I start to doubt like crazy.

It can get FRUSTRATING. To anyone who feels like they've ever been in a stationary state for a long period of time you can empathize with me that it is HARD.

But I want to tell you some things about me that I feel very proud of myself for doing. They aren't out of this world but, I think they are really helping me focus on me. 

I go to the gym now. Wait, what? Yes... I know. The apocalypse MUST be soon. I somehow found self motivation to go. I think paying for a gym instead of just doing it here and there for free helps me personally stay self motivated. Because if I don't go, I just wasted money. I really enjoy the gym I go to as well which helps me stay motivated. I've been going for about 6 weeks now, 3 days a week and I'm really starting to see what sort of an impact it's making on me. 

Another thing that I'm proud of myself for doing is taking the time to 'smell the roses' if you may. If I have absolutely nothing else to do, I try and do something to sooth one of my 5 senses. One of the things I've been taking the time to do is watch the sunset. I really enjoy the way the light touches the carpet and makes me feel warm and happy. I've always loved sunsets, so doing this is one of my favorites.

I joined the Black Student Union which is a club at USU. I've met some great people and I finally feel like I can relate with people on different levels OTHER than Mormonism for once. I love being able to talk about the weird things people say out here to me because I'm black and the people in this club have been through it too. It's great having those group of friends. 

On another note:
I tend to feel alone a lot. Sometimes I do that to myself or people do it unknowingly to me. I don't like feeling left out but I feel that way almost ALL the time when I'm around people. I need to work on being happy even when those moments come and I have to realize that people don't do it on purpose even though it happens.

Last, I need to work on being okay with being alone (dating wise). I sometimes wonder what could possibly be wrong with me and start beating myself up emotionally because of it. But the more I do things on my own, the more content I am with being alone. My friend was telling me to take this time now to work on things for me and enjoy it because once I'm married I'll never really get the chance to think of just me ever again. So for those of you struggling with something along those lines... let's catch a movie together ;)

Anyways, this post was all over the place. I always feel pretty vulnerable posting things like this but I figure if I can help one other person other than me I did an alright job.

Happy Friday :)
Until the next post. 

a n a l o g y

I went floating yesterday which was one of the funnest things I've done this whole summer. 

Today in church a woman gave a talk and was giving an analogy of life. She compared it to floating a river. I had a lot of thoughts floating through my mind when I thought of how floating a river can be compared to our lives.

Now hear me out. It's a pretty interesting thought! (That and I just want to tell you about my river floating experience....sooo..)

When I first got into the river it was calm. I got on my tube easily and just started on my way. Like life there are friends that come and go, that is similar to floating. Some people will make it further ahead of you and that's alright. Some people you may not be able to float the river with the whole way through but at least you got a little time with them before they drifted away. You can compare that to any friend you have ever been close with but is no longer in your life & how it's okay.

Now, there are times on the river where the harsh rapids may knock you off your tube. Maybe not necessarily the rapids.. but the rocks that you have to try and dodge. They may bump you in the BUTT and it's going to HURT and we all have to face them. Yesterday, the first set of rapids I hit knocked me off pretty hard. I like to refer to this as the trials that may come in your life. You really can't avoid having trials... but the question is are you going to be prepared for it? Because for me, I was not prepared for those set of rapids, and it knocked me off my tube. 

But, then there were the friends that were floating nearby to help me out and get me back up again. This can be compared to the close people in your life that are always there for you when you fall and go through tough times. There were points on the river where my friend would hold out his paddle (don't ask where he even got that from) and I would try and grab on tight! But sometimes I would slip away, and like in life you may slip away from the friends that are there to support you and get you through the scary rapids of life. 

There was a point on the river where there were clear arrows pointing the in the direction we HAD to go. It was under a bridge and you had to steer to the right (ironically enough) to make sure you don't hit a pole that's hard to duck. But my tube was taking me in another direction that basically got out of my control. Right enough, the other direction was not the safe way at all and was very dangerous. I thankfully made it through no problem, but there are times in life where I feel like I do take the wrong road and I know very clearly which road is good for me and which are not. 

For the second half of the float.. I stuck with my friends. I held onto there bigger raft and made sure not to let go (for the most part). If I did let go, they would always try and catch me and make sure I was holding on again. During this half the rapids weren't as strong and it was mostly calm. It would be calm for a few minutes and then a quick rapid and then calm again. It's a lot like life. Trials come and go. We know we are going to get them, but we don't necessarily know when. That's why we were always prepared when looking ahead.

Now there were other times where I would get stuck in a part where I literally could not move my tube. It took a lot of strength to get out and eventually I did it. But when I got out, the rest of my group was way ahead of me which left me floating alone. Sometimes in life you may get stuck and there may be no one there to help you but yourself. That was a great time for me to just enjoy my own company and love the journey. 

At the end of the river, the group of us all got off. We all got there at different times and were waiting for all of us to get back. Some tubes didn't make it, and the people on those tubes just floated with their lifejackets to the end while some other friends looked like they went through more of a rougher ride. But we all made it back to the shore together at some point. 

I believe that's the same with life... eventually we are all going to pass on, but I believe, even though at different times, we are all going to end up on that 'shoreline' together. Excited to see each other with stories to tell of their adventures on their
river of life. 

I hope that analogy made as much sense to you here as it did in my head at church today. 
If you've never gone floating, I think you should try... with this analogy in your head. It may change the way you look at the simple things in life that can have similar meanings to the greater things. 

h a p p y m o m e n t s

I haven't blogged in a while. But, I wanted to make a post and share some of the moments where I felt really happy recently. I know not many people are going to read this, but I'm doing so I don't forget when I'm having a hard day.

The 4th of July weekend. A friend and I were driving home from a full day of activities. I live by the temple and we were driving by this road where you can basically overlook the whole valley. We see fireworks coming from every direction. It was the coolest thing so we pulled over and just watched the valley light up with so many fireworks. In that moment it was so perfect. It was so great to have a friend to sit with and enjoy each other company while seeing, in my opinion, one of Logan's best kept secrets. 

[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]

Another moment was just tonight. It was a full day of floating a river with a group of friends that I ALWAYS have so much fun with. They're the type of friends that always invite me to everything and don't stop even when I can't go to some things every once in a while. After feeling left out so much in the past few months it's been nice being able to count on them for a good time. & also feeling like an important friend even though everyone is treated the exact same way. 

After we had a great big feast and started driving back to Logan, we started seeing fireworks in the canyon and we all started freaking out! (literally screaming to pull over) We pulled to the little town that has a lake where we could have seen the fireworks reflecting off it. We jumped out of the car and started running down this dark town road that would light up with HUGE and BRIGHT fireworks every few seconds. We ran and ran, and the fireworks were right above us and HUGE. It was the best feeling and SO FUN. We didn't make it to the lake to see the rest of the show, because the finale started not too long after we started running, but it was seriously the best part of this great day. 

[ a h a p p y m o m e n t]

I don't want to forget these moments because these are the moments I want to look back to when I remember my first summer in Logan. And I love those moments that are rare but just make you naturally HAPPY. Not a forced sort of happy either... just something so natural where you can look back and think... wow I was truly happy in this moment. Those are the moments I live for.